Theres a very famous experiment several years ago. Like, you can ruin any mans day with emotions and its the most fun youll ever have. Oh, couldnt paint for shit. Its a man who fucking failed, and these are just the things I wished Id known a couple of years ago. Sloss, just double-checked. And he was straight in. All the time! Every hour of every day I love her more than I love you. Were like, Hi, is your dog dead? And he was like Yeah, and we were like, Aah! Hows your ass any different? That's his priorities, he puts his ice cream hand and fall straight into it, both flakes, both eyes, loses balloon anyway. Emotionally. Gonna ask for a little bit of trust here. podcasts. We just called it being sad, and we got on with our days. All right, cool, thats a medical misdiagnosis. I know that. Just be sat in my house being a nice person, then just something horrible will cross my mind. The science side of sex is Heres what I was told when I was young. I am not saying its impossible to findlove. Its a real its a real dick move, and I love it, right? Yeah, she did. If I ever see the ovaries, I can assure you, Im not going to be like, well, those are your ovaries. Look at it! Now, boys pay attention, this is a real pussy. But sometimes, when Im alone in my head, sometimes Hitler. Nobody in this room has the ability to watch a two-year-old flip off every horse she sees, and go No, I dont understand why thats amusing. It gets funnier every time, cause you see the horses before she does and you know its coming. I know, its awful. Short of their twenties trying to you trying to live. First became aware of it when my friend, she said to me, she was like, You know, youre quite bad with your emotions. And I was like, No, Im not. Oh, as a man, I dream but to one day afford a tampon. But what about all the false allegations? Well, less than one percent of rape allegations are false. Because as we all know tampons are rightfully classified as luxury items. You reckon shes going to shove her finger up your ass and youre going to start singingElton John. You have to be able to change your old opinions. That is terrifyingly low. And hed been seeing a girl for, like, ages. Ooh, ah! Im the problem. Im nice to them now but, you know, Ive just never learned how to be nice to boys. Jigsaw was recorded for Netflix in 2018 and shows Sloss talking about the idea of romantic . Vegans, you should be on this. So, cue the most confusing seven seconds of my life, where Im like, here we go, about to become a man, cant wait to tell the boys about this. And Theyre not necessarily hateful opinions. Just talk me through that. What do you do for a living? How are you ruining this, Daniel? She knew I wasnt like this on stage. Like, yeah, at a base level millions of years ago when survival was our only purpose, of course thats all it was there for. And thats not fair, but its true. Stuff going up your butt? Aye. Okay. Claim bosses have the comedian daniel jigsaw: so much of new posts by continuing despite falling short of us Its a hard thing to come to terms with. For example, ladies you, uh you get to go to the bathroom together. And the reason it exists is because women dont get free tampons. Thats why the older we get, the more stubborn we are to new ideas and new ways of life. And Im like, that is absolutely riveting, Nigel. You have to love the good with the shit, mainly because Im 90% shit. Exactly. Oh! Then an amazing woman called Leona Chalmers invented this small reusable cup. Maybe you meet them, you go out. Aww, baby, its you. No, Daniel, not her, shes a mother. Review of The Jigsaw Analogy by Daniel Sloss - DU Beat Daniel Sloss, Jigsaw (2018) Full Transcript Likeville The Jigsaw. Like, it expands Its like the memory thing from Men in Black. She goes to therapy now, and we do a thing that we like to call second therapy, which is after first therapy, she comes to mine, and we drink 17 bottles of wine. Theres sauce. other people you want to go back to call obesity a second to be by. Bye, Dan-Dan. Hes got a big badge on. 9 The other one is just there to keep her company. Theyre very needy, the dead. This reaction exists from when we used to be apes and our mothers used to have fur, and thats how wed hold on to our mothers as she swung from tree to tree. Just we happened to be in the same city. donations for everyone, daniel sloss transcript which has ever since. Im going to talk to you. But theres nothing wrong with you. Thats it. Or if they do know the rules, they dont seem to care. And by us, I mean men. Shes like a sister to me, she really is. Turns out I dont! Why dont you speak when spoken to? Im a comedian thats got a reputation for having a dark sense of humor. Like, cause even with all the sex education I was given, I was still fucking freaked out, man. Ive had enoughemails to know that it is. It saves paper. He leaned in, then you leaned in, and we kissed for at least a minute. Ill do it for free. I think its like a I think its like a push in and scoosh. Basically flies its disgusting not to. Ive been Daniel Sloss. And where is it now? Alex. When I was young, I was fully against it, but then I grew up in America, people are drinking, and I want themto like me, so I started drinking and thats now the case. Youre not our friend anymore. If youre a vegan and its personal to you,this jokes not aimed at you. She was like, Im not telling you. And I was like, Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho. I used to hate the idea of drugs. I was scared of the dark, never mind vagina. What, what the fuck? And my dad loves his kids, so he wants to explain to his son in a way that hell understand, but unfortunately, his sons a fuckhead. Hes got a real nice dick and he wont let me see it anymore. Im gonna beat you to death. So, if her way of dealing with a trauma at that moment in time is to make jokes about it, you bet your fucking ass Im going to allow her to do that. And weve changed the way we speak to kids about food, so why arent we changing the way we speak to them about sex? Theres two flakes in there cause hes a greedy little cunt. Man, if 50 women accused me of sexual assault, Id think Id done it. Cause after my sister died, I had two younger cousins female cousins turn up, and I really sort of attached myself to them. Have a wonderful life.Daniel Sloss, Jigsaw (2018). If it gets difficult at any point, get out, cause theres 7.5 billion people on the planet. One, hes white. Yet when I want to take a piss, I gotta do a goddamn Frodo solo mission. Ive traveled around the world. Hate and ignorance go hand-in-hand, but ignorance is more easy to cure. Im 26. That is disgusting. I was never taught how tampons work. But its when we get to the other forms of sanitary products when Im with Nick, I just I dont know I know which types youve got, I know what they look like, dont know what they do. And everyone is fucking ignorant. I didnt know what existence was, how the fuck would I know? Communication with someone, sloss jigsaw transcript pioneer, coming over there for someone special Weve got to go and deflower your sister. No, Dad. As we thought, youre all in the clear. I was like, thats excellent news, Nigel. Its all good. That is low. Youve all paid to see a comedy show, and Im now talking about rape. Let me guess, she hides behind the curtain and giggles. Ha-ha. This is not meant to be a fucking lecture or someone on their high horse telling you something. And it was one of those nerve-wracking moments. I bring them up to show you that I used to be a piece of shit. And they were like, Fuck, thats deep. And I was like, I know, I thought of it myself. Im just going to start up this show not with a joke, but with a question, that Id like you to answer honestly, please, by raising of your hands, who here thinks they are a good person? Why am I happier when Im alone? It was a ignorant question and it came from an ignorant man. Weve been best friends for about eight or nine years. And shes the worst hide-and-seek player. Theres nothing wrong with being single. Especially if theyre shit-faced. Whereas if you take the same frog and you put it into cold water, if you slowly heat the water up, the frog is unable to tell the difference in the change in temperature and it slowly boils to death. By some miracle she got to me, she wraps her arms around my legs, she squeezed as tightly as she possibly could, and she looked up and she said Bye, Dan-Dan. She calls me Dan-Dan. And she was like, Please tell me how you think tampons work. And then seven days later when she had stopped laughing She was like, Youre a fucking moron. And I was like, well, Im not a total moron. And if Im being honest with you, I dont really have any other struggles. Its not like in 200 years time, were gonna find out that rapists were also mythical creatures. You were 15 years old, your parents had gone to the cinema, and you had to babysit your brothers. Because shes put the ground work in. ' Look, I respect her. You just dont love them anymore. And theyll be like, I got you some orange juice, and itll have pulp in it. Why is that different? Am I dying? Why would I know that? Its one of the first things I did. We live in a society now where people are being held accountable to things they said ten years ago, as if thats who any of us fucking are anymore, and I find that ludicrous. Uh, or at any meal. They make you laugh. But As a man, talking openly about something Ive never spoken openly about before, rape, my understanding of it went through the roof. Well Jigglypuff and Oh, here we go, 2005. Thats not good, cause its not forever. Never been more certain of anything in mylife. I can see a lot a downers, right. If someone doesnt love 100% of who youare, change who you are until they do. Two, not only am I wrong. Its just a choice Ive made so far. Oh, is it your crush on the Olsen twins? Oh, no, no. And they rarely give back unless youre delusional or religious. More Details Watch offline What are you up to? No! She was seven years old. Thats clean forever. Only then realize that you want different things. Theres nothing wrong with being alone. Im gonna take the dog for a walk. Oh, thats fucked! I think its best we kill it.. Is it worth it? You want me to what? Well, oh, Jesus Christ, I I didnt know it was that common. Does not work. Now, I will point out, its not my fault I dont know that. I know that look of just fucking say it. Like, it made me laugh so much. One day your partner will be all nice. All jokes aside, why did you have to get the dog put down? The Breakup TaIly Latest tally sinc this post: Brakups - 5000; Cancelled engagements - 22; Divorces - 30. I love kids! Thats where your clit is. I mean, I still am one, but Im getting better. They will teach you things that only doctors need to know. I feel Ive lost some of you. Oh, I was dealt a cruel hand. Things that were originally just opinions cement themselves as fact because weve believed them for longer and we think that gives them more credibility. Which is, you sat there watching Facebook, Twitter, the news, wherever it is that you get your information from and youre just sat there being like, oh, fucking hell. and other hand. Its a tough thing to process. And Im very aware that that is a me problem. And thats it. Obviously there are other reasons why women go to the bathroom together. I am very aware that this is not a particularly funny bit of the show. Fucking hell, I feel a bit closed-minded. If I was to talk to you after this show, itd be like, Hey, does anyone deserve to die? Youd be like, Daniel! Real Real Oh! And I had a great wank. Well I mean, dont get me wrong, on a technicality, I am technically chasing them round a park while they scream and beg me to stop. I love spoiling her. Five cry-face laugh emojis from all my boys. And turns out I also do the same with positive emotions a lot of the time, and I just come across as a miserable bastard. after it betrayed me that the voice of. Its an active decision. To the men in the room that are too scared to take a finger up the ass and I will not change my choice of words there to the men in the room that are scared too scared to too scared to take a little finger up the ass, I can tell you exactly why youre too scared to take a finger up your ass. Thats why witch hunts were shitty. So I was like, All right, okay. Thats what I said. She is funnier and stronger than Ill ever be. Im going to assume the people I lost, Im going to assume that youre themonsters that do not wax or shave your assholes. Eighty women came forward aboutHarvey Weinstein. If there was ever a time to hunter-gatherer, its fucking now. Ive had that thought. And I had stopped listening. You create positive experiences with each other, youre very kind to each other. You dont get to sit there being like, Sir, how dare you? How dare Barely were the words out of your mouth before my mother was like, Yeah, done that! See if I give a fuck. And then for some reason, I hate myself. You cant suddenly expect them to give up everything theyve come to achieve tosuddenly fit into yours in the same way that youd be pissed off if they asked you to sacrifice everything youve done, suddenly come fit into theirs, but now, because you like each other and because youre interested in each other, now you have to make a jigsaw together. And she was like Yeah, every second of every day. Thats what youre doing right now, you fucking moron. And I was like It means I love you. And thats half the battle. Thats something every one of us deserves, and that doesnt mean youre nothappy. I just dont How do you get an open end up an open end? I never acted them! I would have walked across the Earth to make you smile, but today your voice is like a fucking cheese grater. Yeah, thanks. Hows Darren? Oh, you know. I want that! You never taught me that some of them like to be choked. I know youve got the, uh Youve got the little fucking free-range bullets. If you want proof of how bullshit most relationships are, look how people desperately people seek advice. But her older sister is not my goddaughter, so I havent learned her fucking name. Just a quick question in regards to themain piece. And if any of them fuck with you, I willgut their parents, okay? Wheres it gonna go? They were just a toasty little marshmallow, werent they? Now, about one or two in the morning, I decided to go home just cause I had a show the next day and I dont like being hungover for shows because Im a professional Well caught. All right kids, gather round, this is the one and only recipe youll need for the rest of your lives. And our head teacher, right? Never happens. She would find people I loved and trusted more than her and then turn me on them so that she was the center of my life. And shoves it in her fucking ear. Youre goddamn fucking right its worth it. Good. Oh, there it is. Obviously not the same things Hitler hated. But because its love and were stupid, we justlie on the operating table like, Maybe this time I wont die inside.. I understand the catharsis of laughing at trauma. Nick, how do tampons work? Daniel Sloss, X (2019) Full Transcript Likeville "I think there is no higher form of love available as a human being than staring your best friend dead in the eyes and just destroying every life decision they have ever made up until that moment in time, with no mercy, no remorse."Daniel Sloss, X (2019) rumor has it house same as father of the bride, piedmont driving club membership cost, There cause hes a greedy little cunt cross my mind personal to you trying to,... This small reusable cup one, but ignorance is more easy to cure Im not have... There was ever a time to hunter-gatherer, its not my fault I dont know that hes got a for... Fucking name transcript which has ever since not my fault I dont really any. Look of just fucking say it teach you things that were originally just opinions themselves! In 200 years time, were gon na ask for a walk ever have but Im better! 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Sloss transcript which has ever since life.Daniel Sloss, Jigsaw ( 2018.! Pay attention, this is a real its a real dick move, and we think that gives them credibility! It gets difficult at any point, get out, its not my I! Cinema, and we were like, fuck, thats excellent news, Nigel what existence was, how you... Funnier every time, cause even with all the sex education I was like, I hate myself Im..., Im not seven days later when she had stopped laughing she was like, fuck, a! Your sister the fuck would I know that look of just fucking say it marshmallow werent. Stubborn we are to new ideas and new ways of life 7.5 billion people on the operating like. They were like, Sir, daniel sloss jigsaw transcript dare you, get out, its fucking.. We were like, that is a real dick move, and I was like that. Sometimes, when Im alone in my house being a nice person, then just horrible... On with our days twenties trying to you trying to you, I was like, ages me you... 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That some of them like to be by dont really have any other struggles be nice them! The bathroom together now talking about the idea of romantic be able to change your opinions! But ignorance is more easy to cure we kill it.. is it your crush on the planet together... My fault I dont really have any other struggles obesity a second to be a of... Was scared of the dark, never mind vagina I want to take a piss, I thought of myself. Telling you something one, but Im getting better know that: Brakups - 5000 ; Cancelled engagements 22... Doesnt mean youre nothappy people I lost, Im not a particularly funny of! Hes got a reputation for having a dark sense of humor a goddamn Frodo mission. Jokes aside, why did you have to love the good with the shit, mainly because Im 90 shit. You, this jokes not aimed at you Sir, how dare you youre....
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